


hesitancy

by melonlordnation



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Bloodbending, Mentions of Death, Zutara Week 2020, apologizing, the southern raiders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25608937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melonlordnation/pseuds/melonlordnation
Summary: Before they’d left on their so-called field trip, Zuko told Aang that Katara needed closure. What he didn’t know is that he’d be the one to give it to her.orKatara’s hesitation has saved three lives that Zuko knows of, including his own. For some reason, probably fear, he still hesitates to fully apologize to her. Written for Zutara Week 2020 // Day 5: Hesitancy.
Relationships: Zuko/Katara, Zutara - Relationship
Comments: 5
Kudos: 70





	hesitancy

**Author's Note:**

> If you’ve read anything else I’ve posted, you probably know how much I love The Southern Raiders and Ember Island Players. This work is directly between both of them. Enjoy.
> 
> -Robin

Katara finally stopped crying. 

She’d been standing knee-deep in the bay of Ember Island for Zuko didn’t know how long, choking on screams and tears ever since they’d landed after confronting Yon Rha. He was worried that the island residents would notice the unplanned storm system on the shore, or maybe that they’d notice the giant bison flying away to retrieve the rest of “Team Avatar,” but the worry was drowned in another emotion Zuko couldn’t put his finger on. Something between guilt and relief.

Guilt because he’d not only given her the opportunity to murder a man, but been fully prepared to stand by her side as she did it. Relief because she hadn’t used any of her secret skills on him, and because she seemed to be cooling off.

When she tired herself out, Katara walked back to the beach and curled up into a ball under a tree. She still sniffled and shook, but she was at least lying down. Zuko sat with his back to a different tree a few feet away. 

He waited until she fell asleep to voice his thoughts.

“I-” he started, and abruptly stopped. How was that sentence going to end? If she wouldn’t hear it anyway, why did it matter?

“I know-” he tried again. What did he know? Clearly not as much as he thought.

“You must be tired of hearing it, but I really am sorry.”

Katara didn’t respond. Good. She must really be asleep. Some of the tension left Zuko’s shoulders.

“For hurting you. Every time. I know now that I was wrong about a lot of things; things I thought were right.” He sighed. “I guess I should start at the beginning.” 

Zuko racked his brain, trying to figure out where exactly the beginning was. When he found it, he was a broken dam.

“I was desperate, okay? I hadn’t been home in years. I couldn’t go home without the Avatar, and I didn’t even know if he was alive, or where to look. When I figured out that, hey, if the airbending Avatar had been killed, the next one would be in one of the Water Tribes, that’s when I started heading toward the south. Again. Except that time, you’d already found him. When I got to your village, I didn’t want to hurt any of you, but I would have. It may be inappropriate to ask, but after these past few days, I hope you can try to understand.”

He hesitated before continuing. If she was somehow awake, she’d definitely kill him. “You already know that I lost my mother, but I’d lost my father too, and no one was going to stand in the way of my only chance to get him back.”

Katara’s body rose and fell steadily with every unconscious breath. She wasn’t going to kill him yet. The relief outweighed the guilt momentarily.

“That included you,” Zuko reluctantly admitted. “But I figured out early on that I couldn’t kill you. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I didn’t. That’s why I just captured you.”

He mentally kicked himself. “That didn’t sound right. I didn’t do you any favors by capturing you. I’m sorry for that, too. And for using your mother’s necklace as a pawn,” he realized as he said it, “I knew it was important enough to try and use it to bribe you, but not exactly how much it meant to you. I want to say I wouldn’t have done it if I’d known then, but that would be dishonest.”

For a moment, Zuko let emotion take the reins. “I’m really trying to make amends here, okay? No amount of apologizing is ever going to right every wrong I’ve committed. I get that. I’ll spend the rest of my life finding new ways to apologize to you if I have to. For the next few days, I need you to forget how much you hate me. If I’m the face of the enemy in your mind, fine, pretend every Fire Nation soldier you see has my face. Destroy them all, destroy me a thousand times. But I need you to know that I’ll be right next to you the whole time. The real me. The me I hope you can learn to accept.”

He breathed heavily, trying to calm down. That’s what Uncle would tell him to do. Zuko unclenched his fists and released his tunic, which he’d clung to unknowingly.

“The north changed everything. Not nearly enough, but it was the start. I hated Zhao. I know we’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I’m being honest, remember? Even though I hated him, I tried to save him from Tui. Or La. Whichever spirit it was that dragged him into the water. If we get out of this alive, you can teach me all about Water Tribe culture and traditions. If you want to. You don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything for me.”

 _Pull it together, man._ “The point is, I hated Zhao and still tried to save his life. He wouldn’t have done the same for me. And then there was you. I was right there, ready to take Aang to the Fire Nation, and you still didn’t try to kill me.” He looked over to Katara’s sleeping form. “That I know of. For what it’s worth, you got in some good hits. Physically and to my ego.”

He took a deep breath. “That’s why I didn’t think you were going to kill Yon Rha. Since I’m being honest, I was hoping you would. I hoped at least one of us would get to avenge our mothers, and I knew it wouldn’t be me. It’s not my destiny to defeat my father. You had him right in front of you, with the kill shot inches away, and you didn’t take it. That was really impressive. I’ve never seen anything like what you did with the rain. Or to that other Southern Raider, for that matter. I don’t know what that was, but it was terrifying and awesome, all at the same time. You could have done that to me, but you didn’t. Your hesitation saved the Southern Raider’s life, and Yon Rha’s, and mine frankly, and none of us deserve to be breathing right now, but because of you, we are. So thanks for that. For me, anyway.”

Now came the hardest part. The part he’d been avoiding. The part that, even though she’d never know he said it, he could hardly bear to say it. He couldn’t look at her while he said it, either.

“I’ll never forgive myself for what I did in Ba Sing Se. That’s what really opened my eyes, by the way. I’ll never know how many people I’ve hurt, but if they all had the same look on their faces as you did that day, I couldn’t handle knowing that number. But even then, even after my sister did what she did and we left, I was still clinging to the hope that I could go home. I found out quickly that I wasn’t returning to the same home I’d left.” Zuko laughed bitterly. “Or maybe I was, and I was just too young to know it before.”

“It was terrible being back home. I deserved every whisper when I walked by, every odd look. Being back where my life had changed, where I’d been hurt so badly, it was like being hurt for the first time all over again. I realized how arbitrary all of the ideals I’d obsessed over were. I was home, but I was still a pawn. No one mocked me for going on a pointless mission to find the mythical Avatar because I proved he wasn’t a myth, and all they cared about was how I could be helpful in defeating him. They didn’t care about me. They never did. They only cared about what I could do. So I gave them something to care about. I left. I left and I hunted you all over again.”

Zuko laid down in the grass. He’d said what he needed to. But a new revelation dawned upon him, and he wouldn’t be able to sleep until he got it off of his chest. 

“Uncle always told me I never thought anything through. It was hard to believe him, because I feel like I think too much, but he was right. I hunted your little group down, and had no idea what to do next. Forget that, I knew what to do, but not how to do it. And then, even after I joined you guys, I proved Uncle right again. I had no idea how you’d feel seeing me again. I should have known, because I’d just experienced the same thing when I went home, the same terrible memories, but I associated mine with a place, not a person.”

For the first time, Zuko sounded small. “I didn’t think the way I felt about my father was the same way you’d feel about me.”

Katara shifted in her sleep, temporarily scaring him into silence. When she didn’t move again, Zuko took a shaky breath.

“I meant it before. You don’t have to forgive me, but I’ll apologize until the day I die. If it’s in a few days, if it’s in a hundred years, even if it’s at your hand. I’m so sorry, Katara.” 

—

She’d woken up somewhere around “I couldn’t kill you.” 

As she listened, Katara thought of a million things to say. Starting with, you idiot, you still have no idea how much my mother’s necklace means to me. You don’t even know what it is, other than the fact that it was hers. 

He was right. Apologizing wouldn’t undo anything he did. But something panged inside of her when he said she could destroy him. She could, but didn’t really want to anymore. That didn’t mean she wanted him fighting by her side, but then again, hadn’t he just willingly done that? 

She rolled her eyes when he confused Tui and La, and would have called him out on it if she’d had the energy to do so. He should have known the difference, especially since he wouldn’t stop talking about Zhao, and Zhao had been Tui’s murderer. The first thing Zuko would learn about the Water Tribes, Katara decided, was the name of the new moon spirit.

She almost smiled when he talked about their fight in the north. Almost.

Her breath caught in her throat when he brought up Yon Rha. Finally having a name with a face was surreal. She’d only been comfortable bloodbending around Zuko because she knew that of all people, he wouldn’t cast judgment, but for him to call it impressive? She didn’t know how to feel about that. It was comforting, at the very least, to know that he didn’t think less of her because of it.

Katara was glad he’d finally seen the Fire Nation for what it was, even if it had broken him. She couldn’t find it in her heart to feel as satisfied by that as she wanted to be. 

He was ready to kill his own people. Right by her side. Those had been his words. 

She wanted to hate him. She summoned every single one of their encounters to the forefront of her mind. He didn’t deserve her kindness or pity because he’d done one nice, albeit large, thing for her. 

Then again, he had helped Sokka get their father and Suki out of that prison. And shielded her with his own body when the ceiling of the air temple came crashing down. And according to Aang, Zuko was also the Blue Spirit? Katara didn’t know if she believed that; Aang had lied to the tribes in the Great Divide just to end their feud, so he’d likely do it again to finally get a firebending teacher. Oddly enough, she believed every word pouring from Zuko’s lips.

Katara thought she’d run out of tears until a single one escaped. They’d both lost both of their parents, but he’d brought her father back. Zuko would never get that experience. That’s when the tear slipped out. A few more followed, but she fought viciously to keep quiet and stay still. If he saw her crying, he’d know she was awake, and she would never hear the rest of his confessions.

Before they’d left on their so-called field trip, Zuko told Aang that Katara needed closure. What he didn’t know is that he’d be the one to give it to her.

Zuko stopped talking, and Katara cursed herself. He must have seen her crying. Or maybe her breath had gone uneven. Either way, he had to know she was awake.

His final apology shook Katara to her core. He vowed to apologize to her even if she killed him. 

He wasn’t a coward, or dishonorable, or evil, or any of the images she’d conjured of him and clung to. He was broken, and discarded, and hurt, and vulnerable in so many ways she hadn’t thought he was capable of.

_Revenge is like a two-headed rat viper._

A burst of clarity hit Katara right between the eyes. He’d never be able to apologize enough to right all of his wrongs. But hating him was only going to cement that idea. He could spend the rest of his life begging, and she could spend the rest of her life denying him of the sensation of looking her in the eye guiltlessly. Forgiveness would free them both. 

Katara opened her mouth to say something, anything, but the words wouldn’t come out. She gathered her courage and rolled over to face him, only to discover that he’d succumbed to sleep. She sighed, feeling relieved that they didn’t have to have that conversation yet, but guilty that she hadn’t said anything while he poured his heart out. _Tomorrow_ , she silently promised as her eyes once again grew heavy and obstructed her view of Zuko.

Tomorrow, forgiveness would free them both.

**Author's Note:**

> .... I also may be a sucker for people hearing things when they’re supposed to be asleep.


End file.
